Sleep is for the dead
Writing by Jana on Saturday, 22 of March , 2008 at 6:43 pm
My motto used to be “do it all now; sleep when you’re dead.”
And oh boy did I try.
I was working a full-time, 9-5 job, as a secretary, part-time as an English Lit. tutor, attending 3 full courses at the University of Toronto, taking Real Estate courses towards my Realtor license, taking theatre courses, auditioning for theatre and film, conducting a Toronto-Cleveland long-distance relationship, and trying to work on a novel and several short stories.
Everything. All at once.
Needless to say, that all fell apart in a very messy and pathetic manner, as I sobbed uncontrollably in my ex-boyfriends car one night after drinking way, way too much. I think I kept repeating “I just want ONE day off!” and screaming “Don’t touch me!” whilst apologizing every two minutes.
Good times. Really.
That was a few years ago, I was fresh into my 20’s and ready to prove my family wrong by finally making a success out of myself in an effort make up for all the fear and procrastination and laziness that had made up my teenage years. But of course I went about it all the wrong way and got burned out in the end. Luckily I didn’t have a full-blown nervous breakdown — the drama in the car that one night proved to be the extent of my hysteria — but I still didn’t learn my lesson. I still tried to do everything. All at once. And I attributed my lack of success to my lack of discipline and effective time management.
Only now, in the past year or so, am I realizing the full extent of my childish stupidity.
You can’t do everything at once because one of those things is bound to suffer. But you can do a few things.
And maybe it’s better to start with one thing and work real hard at it until the process becomes second nature, or at least more familiar and comfortable. Only then can you move on to the next. Only then can you be a success, because you’ve given your all to the one thing that mattered most at that particular time.
When I finally realized that, life became easier. I found full-time work as a copywriter (by luck, but they haven’t fired me yet) and I now get to work from home. I’m excited about expanding that business and getting more clients. I decided not to try and pursue a career as a writer and actor at the same time, but to focus on my novel and freelance work. After many, many false starts and pages of wasted prose and half-finished scenes and stories, I’m finally on track with my novel. I’m working at my old office as an internal auditor for extra cash, setting my own hours and days. And I’m happier. So very much happier.
And until I’ve achieved a certain level of success, I’ll always feel in some tiny part of myself like a failure. To be completely honest, until that first novel is published and I’m staring at my book in my own hands, I’ll probably still struggle with this inadequacy. And after that step is achieved, who knows what fresh fears and anxieties will surface to plague my over-analytical brain.
Category: life
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Comment by Vivi
Made Monday, 24 of March , 2008 at 5:25 pm
Oh, my God, you’re looking at a thirty-something wishing desperately to whack her 19 year-old self in the head a few times! I totally feel your pain.
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